| Date: | 2007-05-21 23:06 |
| Subject: | So... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  thoughtful |
Having nothing to do but revise this stupid thing i'm actually quite good at, made me think a little.
We all have some idols, right?It can be anyone, but most definitely those idols tend to be famous.
So i was thinking, what is it that makes up be obsessed with those people, especially and most importantly when those people are quite young.
I mean, there are indeed some celebrities who got famous really young like when they were two, and now at their 20s they experience mental problems, do drugs etc.
Some people say, "Oh im so jealous of her/him, She/He is so lucky and happy, he"she got a great family, lovely friends, plently of money, and is famous"
I used to believe that too but it's not that sweet, you know how it feels when everyone disrespects your privacy, and all this kind of stuff that doesnt seem to get healed?
Whatever i shold edit this later im a bit tired after my first exam and should get some sleep.
xx
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i'm really very sorry to everyone who has been viewing my journal but see, i find it extremely hard to update my livejournal anymore.well the thing that caused that is mainly the fact that i realised a few things and got shocked a bit.how i should behave/act in front of some people in particular.then its school coursework which is tiring me a little bit but i guess that's what i have to do, my mock exams have been ok so far so i'm pleased.
you see now that i have a couple of minutes free, i could just say the impression i got of myspace so far.
myspace is a piece of shit actually.with two sides.both good and bad.
the good side is that through myspace you can meet some really good people who tend to be good friends of yours, and get you excited and all that.
the bad side is that myspace is literally FULL of emo/punk/ghetto/goth people like that who to be honest these people are fucking idiots cause one of the things i personally 'take' my judgment from is if they label themselves.haha and i have to say i really do hate it when people label themselves.or even worse when they're trying to pretend something they're not, trying to show how they can make you feel bad.
which is pathetic.
another thing is that recently, i found SO many fake profiles that i started worrying.
why would someone make one?
you've been asked something, you reply but saying something that is not you.?its funny.
people make fake profiles either cause the person they want to fake is really beautiful or famous.
but wait.
what's beautiful?
a piece of a body part painted all with tons of make - up or pierced to death?mind you but i think thats disgusting.
even if its like this why would you want to pretend you are this person?you just prove how sad and miserable your life is.
famous.
honestly do you really think that faking someone famous is cool?
haha i can assure you famous people really DO have a life, real friends, they party like you do, do any other stuff like you do.
BESIDES i'm pretty sure it's illegal to fake someones identity.
think for yourself
i have to go now!
:)
ONE WEEK TILL EASTER HOLLIDAYS
5 DAYS TILL MY PARTY
YEEAH!
gaau ive got 2 essays to do, well i finished the 1st one to be honest !
thats why i hate sundays essays!
:)
xxx
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Ok so 2006 was a struggle
i encountered alot of things that i never want to happen again, so im going to give myself abit of therapy, to look back on and hopefully see changes for the new year...
Haha i used to look like this....
Changed much?
Alot of things' happened ,i learnt so many new things,some may hurt i know but if you think about it,im greatful!I found out that some people dont even care about you,but those who do are like diamonds for me,i sat down and finally dicided who the people who care about me are and who are not.I'm going to say a little something about them,for like every single one of them.These people mean alot to me!
LYRA
She's changed everything, put things into perspective and made things better. She is always there, and i mean always, she always knows what to say and theres no way i could have got through certain things without her. I know that she understands and she's so different to everyone else, its her own way of helping, she's so individual and i have a lot of respect for her, especially after everything she's been through and i want her to know that ill always be there for her, and thats not just a silly thing that everyone says to eachother, i genuinely mean it, cause i know ive found something special in Lyra..and thats my soulmate, in the way that i can relate to her about everything ,someone who cares, and thats true friendship. I love you Lyra.
ADDA
This girl means a lot and when i say alot i mean alot to me.I sort of proper got to know her this year.She's like one of the people that i'm going to discuss about my problems,one of the people that will fully understand me.Theres really nothing else to say,no words,that can descibe how i love her and how much she's helped me.She's like my soulmate,yes when other people give up on me she wont,she will be there fighting for me,that even my best friend who i love her to pieces wouldnt do that.Erm i dont think,i actually have no words,that even if im going to write like 18963 pages youll understand completely how i feel about her .U wont understand how great she is unless you meet her.I love you baby!!!!
ELECTRA
One sentence:this girl is so hilarious,she's just SO funny,but she can be dead serious as well.I met her that well this year,and we had great fun.Theres nothing else i could say about her.I love her to bits.
KAT
OOOh My God,this is ma baby,i love her to pieces weve talked about and did so many things,im sure not going to forget her and what she means to me nor what shes done for me :))
So to wrap this up id like to thank everyone who has been there to talk to, Everyone whos made me smile. Everyone whos made 2006 such a ride, to all the new people I've met your all amazing.
HERES TO 2007
BRING IT ON!
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Things happen in life, that you cant stop and cant help but to deal with. They only happen for a reason. All you can do is just get on with it, learn from the past, learn to deal with it and just be yourself all the time.
Alots happened the past year or so, some things i regret and wish i could change, do things better. But thats never going to happen now is it? no. So all i can do, is take whats happened, learn from it, to make myself a better person.
The one thing ive found the hardest this year, is losing someone you love. Its hard, and it happens all the time. Its not an easy thing to deal with, or come to terms with, but it has to be done. Sometimes it just takes longer than other people.
Life does get hard, and everyone goes through ups and downs, through the good and the bad, no one is perfect.
Pfft. What is perfection?
Is it someone who is stick thin, has loads of friends, has an amazing life, nothing ever goes wrong, etc?
Is that ever going to happen? I think not! Perfection is what you perseve it to be, nothing more or nothing less.
Ive learnt alot in 2006. For the people i care about the most. My friends and family, without them, im not sure where id be. Its nice to know that i have people that care for me and i can always turn to when i need them. Its also nice to have someone to say that there yours.It is always nice, but its not all its cracked up to be. Dont say you NEED a boyfriend/girlfriend, because you dont. You have your friends and family to have the good times with.
Theres two things that i really hate in life. Which are liars and fakers. Whats the point? Your just lyiing to yourself. Yes, you see that girl on the computer screen, with tons of picture comments and friends, and you think shes pretty-er than you, so you take her pictures, pretend its you. Whats the point? That girl will soon realise that you've taken her pictures, so will others. Theres no point, what happens when you meet some people, they'll soon realise your not that 'pretty-er' girl. Maybe they would of liked you better, you wont know unless your yourself. So what? if that 'really hot guy' off myspace doesn't like you. Find someone else, someone who will be 'that prince charming' you've always dreamt of, since you were only little.
The past year ive changed. Changed in different ways, sometimes it may of been for good, sometimes i think i should of stayed the way i was. Im glad ive made changes. Even though some weren't for the best. Its really made me grow as a person. Ive learnt to respect the people i love more, dont take anything for granted, you dont know how much time you have with them.
In the new year im going to be changing myself, maybe for the better, i'll never know till i try it out. Im going to be living each day to the full, do the best i can, make my parents, friends, family and the people ive lost proud.
One day im Going to fullfill my dreams. Marry the person of my dreams, do the best and be the best
I can be a right bitch, but i dont always mean to be, its just the way i am.
x
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| Date: | 2006-11-14 11:48 |
| Subject: | Hmm... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  crushed | | Music: | JoJo - Coming for you |
Im no good with words, I cant seem to put them together so i sound like i actually mean what im saying....i guess I should try.
im so emo, I cut myself, I cry, I want more friends…
Why does life feel the need to take every good thing one at a time? I don't really understand what happened. How can they be willing to throw away what we had because of a misunderstanding? They really need to realise that life is too short to bear grudges and let arguments ruin everything. I know everyone says things like that. But if you really think about it seriously; one could move away, or the other could get hit by a car or something. You don't know how much time you have left, and i have to take make every second count.
It sounds so overdramatic, but like, when you think about how fragile life is, then you realise how important it is to forget about all the silly things and grab on to what makes us happy. I don't know if im making sense anymore. They need to realise that we don't have forever and ever to sort out our differences.
Every moment counts and we should be cherishing those moments together, not mucking up something so special over something so dumb. It's too special to let go. They just need to realise that. I hope they can see how much they have hurt me these past few months, I really do.
One of the hardest things in life is letting go...Its simple because it is like the first time in your life you have to let go of something that you have put your heart and soul into, something you basically lived for is then gone.
It is actually literally a grievance for something you have lost, almost a death, the death of a friendship. I know that at first it is so hard not to think about it, questions such as; where did I go wrong? What did I do? Basically self-blame.
No one seems to want to help anymore, even if this is attention seeking i don't care, people can clearly see that this is affecting me, and yet they choose to stand by and watch it happen, its almost like there out of reach by about 2 or 3 inches.
Tell me anything and it stays with me, but chances are I won't trust you. I used to let everyone know everything about me; I guess ive learnt from my mistakes. Took me long enough.
Im sick of the way people treat me and i never realized how much my friends took me for granted, its funny how every teenager seems to be screwed up somehow, someway! And the ones who are faking it seem to get the most attention.
I can't say i have never carelessly whispered but my whispers like a megaphone its less than subtle,but more so then some.
i wish i could capture everyone of them amazing times and keep them forever... i look back on things ive done, moments ive had, and realized im a very lucky person, but to have them special moments taken away from you in a heartbeat, hurts.
Everybody has a story, it's the story of there life, weather its long or short at this moment in time, they still have one, you can write exactly how you feel in this story you can re write it again and again without feeling at all guilty, you can tell your feelings to this story knowing that no body will ever see, because you don't write this on paper you write it in your mind, and as your mind develops, so does your story, just because its not special to others does not mean its not special to you, because it is, and always will be. Everyone has there life stories its just not everyone tells them.
i hope it will all get better soon=[
oh and i know you wont read this and not judge me.
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im sorry for not updating,but i was busy and stuff,today i felt really happy aha im not going to say the reason...but heres what i want to say anyway:
There is alot more to me than meets the eye.
I like English, and i love writing poems and storys, not so much now, but i love to read. This may sound sad, or what ever you want to call it, 'geeky'. I'm not particulaly botherd, but i'm going to get somewere in life, how ever long it takes me. I can't stand it when people shorten all there words on msn, or in a comment. Cz we dnt tlk lyk dis in reel lyf, itz lyk takn da pizz ot of da nglish langwige! Its quite acceptable in a text, as you may not want to send loads of texts that could fit into one..so thats cool. I like to express the way i feel, I'm not one to keep it inside, i have a temper on me, and i have learnt to control it, a while ago i had a bit of angermanagement, and it sorted it out. I think things through, and don't open my mouth before i know what im going to say.
I don't think anybody can really say that they hate or dislike 2 faced people, because at the end of the day, noone can deny that they have said something about someone behind somones back, because as much as u might not want to admitt it to anyone, you will have done it at some point in your life. And yes, i have, and i'm not proud of it, but im not going to have said all that and say i havn't.
I don't take kindly to critisism (i can't spell that), but i will take it in, and think it over. I am also insecure, but i don't really want to have to explain my reasons. There are only a very few people that actually know the reasons why. So if I seem insecure, or not sure of myself, jus remeber i have my reasons.
Now, I don't understand the whole 'grouping' of society, what is a group?Scene? Emo? Chav? Grunger? Goth? Indie? What are the meanings of all these? I'ts because of this, I don't like being put into a group. I feel its unfair, as you don't know me personaly. You could say im a so called 'chav' because of the way i can sometimes fly into a temper? but then again you could call me Scene, because of my hair? or a bit of everything because i can dress the way I like, and what i feel comfertable in. This also aplys to music. I listen to everything, and like to feel that there is a meaning within every song. So basically it's like the un answerd question in socialoligy and simaler studies, 'what is a human' this can be related within the grouping of society.
If you meet me for the first time, i wil be quiet, unless i feel comfertable around you, at which, i will open up, and have a full flowing conversation. I get toungue tied alot, and often mumble my words. I'd love to know why, but unfortunatly i do not. I used to have a confidence issue, but i have expanded on my confdence, and it has grown emensly, as i have been a particapent in the Watford Palace Theartre for about 3 and a half years now. It is from that group that i not only gained my confidence, i gained some of my closest friends. They are the few people that are able to understand where im coming from.
I like my own personal space, and i don't always like to go out, to 'town' and 'hang' at the shops, I like to have a reason to go out, to meet someone. 'Hanging' in town can be nice sometimes, just not all the time.
Sometimes i try and act older than my age, but that comes naturally to every human being of this day and age. I have found that you cannot escape your age, and the way you are, so you just have to work with it. Neither can you run away from your problems. They must be faced at one point or another, there is always a way through to the other side, no matter how hard that may be.
I feel that life is a process, and in being so young, have accepted that not all good things come at once. They have to be acheived within your boundries, and responsibilities. Having said all that, i still love to act like a completely imature little kid, but who doesn't from time to time? Like try and swing the highest in the park, or jump around and come our with silly little phrases that have no meaning what so ever.
When it comes to boys, there is alot that goes on in my head. I get scared easily when things get to intense, and i can sometimes have a trust problem. For me to trust a boy, it may take some time, and again, i have my reasons. I don't play games, and i don't play hard to get. Its a waste of time, because i always think that trying to think like that loses the boys intrest and its a waste of any time and effort that can be used in better ways, for example getting to know each other. I have only ever had one 'proper' boyfriend. That was a bad relationship, and it only lasted a year, and also a long distance one. A complete disaster. Other than that i have got together with people, like 'seeing' ect, but not in a relationship sort of way. For me to have a 'relationship' with a boy like that, i must have been friends with them first, or atleast gotten to know them. It only seems fair, because if that boy had any intrest in me, his intrests would be the same. Not just after one thing. Having said all that, i was what i thought was, at this young age 'in love' with a boy. I won't name him, but he was, and still is very special to me. But it would just never work, as he lives to far away. At this age, imaturity and insecurity in relationships is something that most people will experience, unless you trust that person. I don't think that there is any way in which to avoid it. But again, that is only my veiw.
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| Date: | 2006-09-10 21:58 |
| Subject: | Friends |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  calm |
You always take your friends for granted. & you always think that they'll always be there when you need them. Truth is, they won't, unless you've already done the right thing and refined them downt to those you do genuinely trust.
Most friends will say they'll be there, but won't really be, they'll just be there to say "Awww, everything'll be alright babe". We all need a few people like that in our lives, the ones that will reassure us temporarily.
But there's that one person, that one priceless person, who truly knows you and can see through all the bullshit. That person that will pick you up everytime you feel bad, and it really proves they are a good mate because they don't do it for any other reason than they love you.
It's probably one of the best feelings in the world, that is.
Being Loved.
I'm so lucky to have found my Lyra. Even though we've had our ups & downs, we always come out of it stronger than ever, and have proved our friendship to everyone, because we won't just leave it after the big fallout, we'll talk about it and work it out.
So Lyra, this is for you...& I know I don't say this enough. I love you & I appreciate every single thing you've done for me and helped me through. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for you, but it sure as hell wouldn't be here.
<3
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| Date: | 2006-09-02 22:22 |
| Subject: | ??!!?? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  and sick | | Music: | Too little too late - Jojo |
Sometimes I do some really stupid stuff, and hurt other people, then end up getting hurt myself in the end. So really nobody wins at all. But I've learnt how to deal with that recently so it's not that much of an issue.
But sometimes I get competely fucked off for no reason at all...well at least not a reason I know of..& people just won't communicate with other people so we'llnever actually find out what's going on.
& it always seems to be those people who have always proved to me that they'd never be that kind of shitty person...then they go off and prove that not only are they one of those shitty people, but that they're a fucking liar too!
People are so fucking pathetic that I'm finding it hard to deal with. All I really ever want to do is spend time with the people that honestly, truly matter to me and have fun with that. Friends are more important to me than anything else...but whoever is slagging me off/hating me this week is also quite important to me aswell, even though it shouldn't be. When you have as little self-confidence as me, every bad thing people have to say about you sometimes means more than the heartfelt good stuff.
So thanks a fucking lot you jumped-up cunt.
You should know who you are.
Emma xxx
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...........................CRYING....................
Thats all you need to know :(((
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I've been finding it quite hard to write anything about myself recently. I feel that anything I attempt to write will just say the wrong thing completely, & I don't want people to get the wrong idea about me.
I think the whole going back to school thing gives you the motivation to start a fresh. You know you'll have routine back in your life, you know you're not allowed to be a lazy shit anymore really, so it makes you feel like you can change other stuff too.
I completely screwed up last year.In the time that I was there, I didn't exactly do much. & I just realise that this time next year I'll have just have a harder time I can't afford not to have my education.When i was a kid I always said I wouldn't let that happen, that I wouldn't let my life slip away too.
I just can't be arsed with any of it anymore. I think about 'growing up' and having to work at school, then work in a job & I'm just like :| I can't even get myself a job now! Last year I had so many aspirations and ideas, and now they've all drifted away and my life's just a bit of a mess.
I always like the idea of a 'Fresh Start', but everytime I've had the chance to have one, i've just slipped back into my old ways, & i seriously don't want that to happen this time. I seiously can't let it!
When I got my report at the end of year 11, every single one said "Emma need's to believe in herself, and get rid of this negative attitude towards everything.". And that doesn't just apply at school. I just can't believe in myself, & I don't know why. I know I have potential, because I've been good at school in all, upto about year 8. It's just a turned into a teenager and suddenly everything gets blown out of proportion, and suddenly school is a barrier in your life, rather that a helping hand for your future.
I can't believe I've just ranted about school up to now, when this was supposed to be about me. But I guess it just proves how much it means to me, or how much I know it should mean. I know I can't have another year like last year. End of.
When you have the time to sit and mull over your life, I personally realised the biggest barrier in my life, aside from the horrendous lack of self-confidence/self-belief/self-esteem, are other people. I try to tell myself I don't care what people think, but I do. I really do. Even if they're people I don't even like! In fact, it's probably worse if somebody I don't like thinks bad of me, for a reason that's on the tip of my tongue but I just can't get it out. I'm probably the most jealous person ever. I just can't help it. I always want what I can't have. I treat people really badly sometimes. And one day I know that people will just give up on me and thatI'll be left with nobody. That's why I have to think seriously now. Now is the time to tiw up all the loose ends and make a start on changing all those things that make you that person you don't want to be. I don't believe you can change for other people. But I do believe you can change for yourself, if you want it badly enough.
All this sounds so low, I know it does. And at the moment, Im not the happiest I've ever been, but I'm really okay I guess. I've pretty much completely realised who all of the cunts are, that are supposedly 'my friends', and I can deal with them now. And I've realised who my real friends really are, I've been a little shocked at the outcome sometimes. There are people who are 'my friends' that just put me down all the time, and why should I put up with that? They're clearly not really your friends. I need to know where I stand with everyone, and I'd say I do with about 90f my friends. Now there's just that last 10o tackle.
I think I'll be quiet now.
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| Date: | 2006-08-19 18:21 |
| Subject: | Lyras House(My diary) |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  quixotic | | Music: | Evanescence - Call me When you're sober. |
I am at Lyra's house with Kostas and Jim.I am so bored to death!I feel very uncomfortable.They are kissing/making out ALL the time!Arggh.I can't stand this!From my point of view it's horrible but in the other hand,she's my best friend and stuff.I really do need to find a boyfriend.Right now he's putting his tongue down her throat!You know how i feel?I know what i'm doing is called jealousy but i don't know i just feel uncomfortable because i don't know the other guy and he's watching TV and im just sitting here all alone!Ahh,Im actually crying inside me!I don't know what to do.Cry?I already am.Calm down?I just can't.:(I wish i was home!Maybe my parents are arguing but at least I'd feel ok.I think they're goingto have sex today.I THINK SO.Arghh not that i do mind but i just don't know,i'm in a bad mood that's all.Hmm,i want to have sex with my dream boyfriend too haha.:( It's just that i feel like an idiot here.Everyone's laughing and i'm just being sort of moody.I don't wanna tell her that i'm sad.Ahhhh i feel so horrible i don't know what to do,really!!God help me!At least help me find some courage ,or attractiveness,maybe to feel better about myself.She told me that the guys think that im strange or something like that because i am shy and not talking.I dont want them to dislike me.I am not like this!What the heel is wrong with me??!!??!!I am much more active.Shit it feels horrible,I dont fucking want to be like this.It sucks,literally.She's doing like she's a ....arhhhhhh!!I'm going mad!!!!!
Well,Something Unexpected happened.Lyra told me,what she wanted to tell me for a long time now,and really do feel like an idiot!my whole world has broken!I am alone,I cant stop crying!!!This is horrible!
Well i just wrote some stuff from my diary!As you might have quessed im not having a great time!!Aww thank god I'm ok now!!!
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| Date: | 2006-08-19 13:13 |
| Subject: | HOOOOT!!! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  crazy | | Music: | Pakito - Living On Video |
Today is too hot in here!!I wanna go swimming!ha!I am having so much fun,i just realised that some people are so so so sick!!haha!!Anyway,there was a boy,called Jim,and he was ringing me all the time!Sort of boring i'd say!Thank God now hes gone!!!Phew!!!!
xxx
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Today was very boring,i didnt do anything although Greece is a very exciting Place.I was just sitting here,if front od my laptop and was on myspace,and stuff,arrghh i really wanna go back to school,just wondering how next term would be.!Im so stressful,but i'll get over it.I think!Anyway,takl to you tomorrow peeps!
Em xxx
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